The Marriage That Longs To Give Up
Part One: Hope Still Stands
By Jeremy Lucas (12/19/04)
To those who share in the Body of Christ:
No subject on the planet seems to hold more mystery than marriage. What other topic in existence can see two people grow from friendship, to love, to hate, and lastly to hopelessness? While one marriage thrives on improbable circumstance, the next seems to drag along for years of apathetic discouragement. One couple looks at another couple and inadvertently rates themselves against the other. In some cases, an experienced marriage of struggle tells a new marriage of bliss that they should anticipate suffering. What message are we hoping to relay to one other when marriage itself is never the same in any house? Today, my heart is focused on the marriage that longs to give up on itself.
For many years during my childhood, I was at the disadvantage (or so it seemed at the time) of having to relocate with my parents every three or four years. Somewhere along the way in my early adult life, a very subtle problem began to surface within the relationships that I formed and the choices that I made. Without intending for this to become a pattern, “giving up” and moving on to something else was almost instinctual.
This pattern of behavior is, what I believe, many marriages begin and end on. They begin on a question, a doubt, or a possibility of failure where one or both involved are saying to themselves, “I want this to work, but I’m not sure if it will. I’ll give it everything I’ve got, but it might not be right.” Sometimes a pre-marriage relationship has parental pressure, internal pressures, or it might even just involve two people who are afraid they might never meet anyone else. They marry, they move forward, and within months or years, they pass the point of the original questions, doubts, or possibilities of failures. By this time, they’re positive that their marriage is over.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we lose hope before we ever had it? Why do we lose hope at all?
Those are questions that may not have answers. They’re questions that rely heavily on analyzing the past. While that may be necessary for counseling or some other aspect of psychological discovery, these are not the types of questions I want to address here today.
My wife and I have observed several broken homes in our short marriage that were only being held together by thin strands of thread. It’s almost impossible in this nation to NOT know someone who is discouraged about their marriage. Having said that, the biggest challenge we’ve seen through those that have shared their struggle is this… “If I’m unhappy in my marriage and it’s been this many years, wouldn’t God want me to be happy and support me in leaving?”
While the question itself has logical answers, it is not logic that these individuals are looking for in most cases. For if someone asks this question, they have already given themselves the answer of their choice: “Yes.”
So how then, can you speak with someone who has already made up their mind about giving up on marriage? If they are longing for it, how can you change that and give them reason to believe in hope again (or even for the first time)? Not a single word from the mouths of our humanness can touch the heart of a hardened spouse, but several words of God’s grace from the lips of His Word can offer the tender affection of love and patience that may just soften the hurting moments of their heart.
The term divorce is used in the Scriptures 34 times, but none has had such an impact on my reading than the story of Mary and Joseph. All prior and post mentions of this word are held within the context of expectation, rather than experience. By that I mean that the Word of God is full of “expectations,” but sometimes we can get so caught up there that we miss the Biblical experiences that relate to our own lives. Let’s take a look at the human side of the following situation.
“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily.” Matthew 1:18-19
If you can, close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself in Joseph’s shoes when the rumor hits his ears about his fiancé. You’re standing there as a young man prepared to marry and you hear this. I can tell you that if it were me, I’d have so much anger welled up inside of me that I might be inclined to go and get into an argument with her about this so-called, “child of God.” I would find the whole thing an absurd way of lying about her affair with another man. Would any of you be so gracious as Joseph to think of divorce?
Of course, I say that in good humor. He didn’t want her to be disgraced, so he considered walking away and “giving up.” He was preparing to enter a marriage with tremendous doubts.
We all pretty much know the rest of the story, but let’s continue it anyways…
“But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins. Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:” Matthew 1:20-24
Does it say that Joseph’s fears all went away? Does it say that Joseph wasn’t still slightly embarrassed to consider the next several months of being around her? Of course he loved her. Of course he honored her. But can we be absolutely sure that as a human being (just like one of us) that he wasn’t still fighting certain doubts of reality? Who was going to believe that an angel talked to him, right? I can imagine him asking questions like...
“What if this is wrong?”
“What if the dream I had was only my imagination?”
“What if Mary isn’t really a virgin?”
Did Joseph still have doubts? He was human. That’s the best answer we can offer to one another as we read. Though he was obedient and followed through with the vision from above, he was no less a realist than any one of us in a situation of never-before-seen experience.
Doubts and questions are not the beginning or end of a marriage… they are the pieces of the process by which we figure out who we are, who our spouse is, and what our roles are in the marriage. When Joseph realized that he HAD to marry this young woman on the command of the angel, isn’t it possible that he could have viewed it as forceful and unfair? After all, it was his ego to lose as friends and family would watch him marry a pregnant woman.
The reality is that over the years that passed, Joseph could have easily looked back saying, “I was forced to marry my wife. If things had gone MY way, we would have divorced.” In retrospect, this only makes sense. Joseph was a man. And men of centuries and millennia have always struggled with the outward appearance of pride. The truth of the matter is, Joseph had a choice on how he would react to what was ultimately a “forced” marriage. He could be disgruntled from the beginning or he could find joy in the circumstances of hope.
“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” Philippians 4:11
All of life is a circumstance of hope. None of us are in a perfect situation and none of us have found the cures that will ail our everyday frustrations. We all struggle and we all move forward. The happiness we find is never in what we leave behind or what we gain from having left. The joy we find in life is learning to love beyond our own depths of comprehension. It’s a joy that we discover in the moments we stop worrying about what someone did or didn’t do right in the past, and open our eyes to the many incredible things that make them who they are. Being loved is being noticed, being appreciated, and being considered.
And so we return to the question of those who struggle so deeply in their marriages: “If I’m unhappy in my marriage and it’s been this many years, wouldn’t God want me to be happy and support me in leaving?” Unfortunately, the question isn’t worded in a way that’s even fair to the Lord. It puts Him in a box that suggests “no” means one thing: He wants you to be miserable. It’s like asking a parent whether they love you enough to be “okay” with your choice of living in a sexual relationship with someone you’re not married to. If they say yes, then you feel okay. If they say no, you naturally assume they don’t love you. It’s not a fair question.
What God sets before us is hope… not sorrow. Our faithful Father has not set us on paths of destruction, but paths of direction. We need only to open our eyes and realize the steps we’re taking and who the Lord has put beside us.
If you are in a marriage, you are there for a reason. Someone is walking beside you because they were put there by your Gracious Savior. Ten years may have gone by without a word of love shared. Twenty years may have gone by without softness or companionship. You may have even seen this person in your house for thirty years and they only seem worthless. They are the Lord’s, just as you are. They are not worthless, nor are you. Together you were brought near for a reason that all these years may have never shown.
The divine providence of God is one that does not allow for mistakes. You do not take a step on this journey of life while He sits back saying, “Now what? They took the wrong turn!” He knows your steps because He set them before you ever walked in them. Those steps include your spouse. Does He desire that you get out of your marriage in order to be happy? Of course not! He desires that you discover the happiness He set up within your marriage.
There are no mistakes in the providential sight of God. You are where you are for a reason. You’re with who you’re with for a reason. Find that reason and there you will share in the reconciliation of love that may never have been before.
Of course, one might say, “But what about this person and that person.” Clearly there are exceptions to the rule. It is not as though God desires to see abusive relationships, nor that He would desire to see unfaithful relationships. But this is not being written to the exceptions. This is to those who simply look at their marriage with an unsure lack of confidence. More often than not in this nation, divorce doesn’t happen because of “exceptions” (such as unfaithfulness or abuse), but because one or both in the relationship are simply tired of the other. Instead of searching out the possibilities for their marriage, they look at it with an early sense of disappointment and failure. This is my audience. These are the marriages that are on my heart.
“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,” Philippians 3:13
All that Scripture leads us to is hope. Though we do not gain all that we want or desire in this life, we still press on toward those things we believe will take place. We look at the future more brightly because we know and have confidence of great things. But would you believe that there is an amazing connection between our hope in Christ and our hope in marriage?
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,” Ephesians 5:25-26
The love that Christ gave to us was one of great patience, mercy, and grace. That is what He desires that we give to our marriage. We give the Lord our sin and yet He still offers His gracious mercy. If your spouse has given you reason to be bitter, empathetic, or angry, realize that you cannot change the past, nor can you change the future from the divine knowledge of God. Rediscover the patience, mercy, and grace of love by beginning to look at your marriage with the hope that you were destined to find.
May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you all with this reminder of a great treasure we so often long to give up on. Don’t give up on this person that God has set beside you.
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